you know how guys complain about getting stuck in the friend zone, get over it! im always there, even bought a summer home.maybe u can come over for cocktails!!!

why do i feel like shit?!
empty,
why am i always "plan B" girl?
they woo me, they even tell me they love me...but what do they do.
find someone else who ..they love too? no they never loved me at all, any of them.

i cant deal with life right now as it stands, so i sit. but sitting, i am wasting away.
loosing faith, not finding God when i really want to. i really want him .i want him to be real and here,with me, with in me. how did he all the sudden up and disappear?
how can i believe and still be confronted by such doubt?

its like a gaping hole, the keeps broadening and widening.....when i thought i was doing okay, i was in his will.
so how do i find him when i hadn't left where he last left me.
i guess its something i gotta figure out for myself,..bur right now i feel so fake. so lonely, so lost, so not me at all.
i keep thinking its just this period in my life, i gotta go through but i'll make it to the other side and be a okay. i pray its so!




i wont fall for just any guy, he has to be perfect! too much pressure?...well i deserve to put out those percuations because what i've seen and been through. if im waiting this long might as well be thorough, weed through the the heartbreaks and heartaches to exactly the one made to fit me.

whats new?

whats going on with me, what has been happening in my world?
well bout a week and a half ago i lost my car but kept my life.
my 1991 Oldsmobile kutless supreme convertible met its end when it plowed into a tree on highway 60.
im leaving for Flagler in just a few short weeks, with no car but i know it will be okay.
my life will be changing so drastically, im just worried that i remain who i am. not too worried but its still there.

i am eager to start school, not because im so eager to leave every thing behind but want so bad to make a new start, HAVE AN ADVENTURE!

i dont want to loose myself and devoid my morals but i want to have a bit of fun. meet new people, take steps leaps and bonds towards my future. a life that is my own, but my life is still God's and i pray he gives me direction to do his will.

and im having a little hope that i might find a honey bear....
a good guy, sweethearted and attentive but still the picture of masculinity.
im at that point i need the attention and deserve it i believe....i've gone so long with out it. and when i get a taste its snatch away leaving me quiet hungery. but i just starve instead of hunting. it will come to be sooner or later right? i wont a straving child for much longer, ...not for forever.

maybe he'll be ..
someone who would'nt get annoyed at me watching silent films and the travel channel all day long.
someone who doesn't mind random sniffs of his shirt and my abundance of affection.
soeone who would take a stereo and a few great vinyl records over an ipod any day!

oh one can only hope 8D

only a boy

you are just a boy.....
how could i expect you to live up to a real man's role?
i was just dreaming i guess.
a life alone I'm entitled to dream every now and again.
forgive me for having hope in something that can not deliver, I was being foolish and naive.
being childlike is not to be looked at with shame, but knowing what, where, and when to take things at face value, to deal with things responsibly is vital to a healthy existence.

so again im sorry i let my hope blind my reason..

its not your fualt you let me down, you are just a boy, and boys should never grow up if it can be helped.
sorry for trying to cast you as the role of prince charming when you were ment to play peter pan.

and im not wendy....

what to do today...lets write.

write often, write everyday! how else are you to become better, you don't just wake up one day and "DANG!!!!" you're good! its like a relationship, you and your writting have to spend time together building up each other...soon enough you'll be finishing each othere sentences lol
get to know your writting's personality-(serious, witty, homerous, saterical) what they do best, what it distastes, what it's weaknesses are.

Certain authors, songs, places, people specifically nerture your writting's personality growth. find them and feast on their sustenance, suck every bit of life out of it as you can.
it would be wise to feed off of many different outlets, that way your style is not confined to one particular area. broader vision equals wider herizons.

me in your head or your heart?...

what do you think of when you think of me???

what other thoughts run through your head?
what pictures do you see?
what songs play in your mind?
what memories do you remissness?
what hopes do you hold so close to your heart?

are they true to my nature or are they fabricated my your idealizing mind?
does your heart have anything to do with your head?
have you dreamed of me? what was it like? did you wake with a smile?
have you ever longed to hold me, or gently touch my cheek?
have you desired my skin meet the warmth of ours?
ever pictured me in a gown and a Vail? white fabric hung flowing upon my frame?

even for a second, have you thought of me and it brought a smile to your face?
how do you think of me?...with humor...or passion?
when you hear my name or picture my face, does the heart take over?

just call

call me please i need to hear you say those words...words i would be lying if toy told them back to you, words i have said back to you. need that attention, while i a wait price charming I've become attached to Mr. emotional wreck.

i could hurt you but i wont, or at least I'll try not to.
i need you to call, let that phone light up like the the sun shinning through the crack in the window, waking me, letting me live.
please call right now, please call.

say you love me like you always do, but i know there is no way you could possibly and sincerely mean it...i need to hear it anyway.

is that why you say it? because you know i desperately need to hear it?
or is really because you so desperately need to say it???
maybe both.

i never needed or wanted it before, i scoffed at the words! i rejected them, it aggitated me so that you uttered them.
but now,..look at me...

come on call, i'll give you what you want to hear.
...but just for tonight, while im weak, while im alone.

M@

its hard to think i could make anyone nervous, but i guess its possible. maybe thats why my whole life guys have shyed away but later admitted to liking me, just not knowing what to do or say.

you are young but seem to have a Godly wisdom, i would not over look you, in fact if you would show me who you are im certain i would love you. as it stands i dont know much.

im leaving soon, starting "a new chapter of life" as they say. college is a pivotal point in life, it has the ability to brake you if you are not personally and morally strong or even make you if you are weak minded. so starting something with someone i have to leave behind is a very difficult thing especially when you are meeting so many new prospects. but dont let this hinder your decision of going after what you want, if what that is is me. becuase if what i see in you is great no others could compare, if you were truly meant for me for any amount of time. it would be worth it.

i dont know if any of what im saying makes any sense but so far in my life you are the first guy that has admitted their interest in me, that seems to really be in right standing with God. and because of that one thing you are put above all others. so honestly if you ask me out there is no other way i could respond than "YES".

but its up to you to make the move and ask, otherwords i will go on knowing God will send the right one in time.