when will i get more than a hello in passing, more than the sweet utterance of my name...
you call me by name, but yet you walk away...if you knew how i desire you would you still place that foot infront of the other and disapear with my heart?
would you look into my eyes to find the truth for yourself.....
i always fall for the one i know the least about, the one i can never touch, the one i push away...the one and only one i dont know what to say to...
why do i like you? why do i think of you when my mind goes blank...i dont even know you.
sense takes over and puts me and my desires in place...im calm cool and collective...
and all you have to do is say my name.
the smallest gesture, though meaningless to most means the world to me.
If you knew me, if you knew what i was like...each oddity, each silly little dream, each and every quirk. would you treasure them as precious jewels. would you smile at my awkward manerism and kiss my lips. or would you move away, keep my at arms length. laugh and tell your friends about the strange girl who had a heart for you...you'd kiss her lips .... who ever "her" is.
i want you...but i don't know how to get you, so i sit, i wait, i look at the ground, staring into the cracks of the pavement and not into your eyes of ocean blue.
it would not take much to make me yours...i am so eager to love you..
i wamt you and i now its immature...but i've been mature for too long...
i just want to love, first i would like to know you, but all things in time..i remind myself...but time keeps rolling and i keep getting passed by...
i dont want to sit anymore,
i dont want to hind my eyes anymore.
i want to love!
why cant i love you?
and why wouldn't you love me in return?
God so many people have what they want, they go out and get it, and yes sometimes its not the best for them, but i've been here, been faithful, not perfect, not the best solider, but still im here...and i just want to know love, to give love, and to someone ...well why not him..forever.. or for now...
how will i ever know the power and potentail of love if i dont attemprit?
grant my greatest heart's desire..and if it fails, i can handle it..i'll write about it...let me live....i need to live, i need to love, try to be, i can no longer sitting on my pretty little doll self...please let me at least try, give me this....your love is asking you this....let me find joy in such a relationship...let it last, but if it must fade, let it, and bring me out better, bring me out a new...i plead of you left me find for myself, let me know, be with me in it always, i would never tred in these waters with out you, thats why im still here, but allow me to go, bring him in close.....and lets fall.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Hello blog
hello blog! :)
I love you blog, for the fact that no one reads you.
I am starting to truely believe deep in my soul that there is no one out there like me, and it pains me. Nobody who fits in the cracks of my existence, not one to indulage my most extravagant fantasies as viable truths, there is no one who can really see me past the mess, feild mines, and the many barbed wired fences. or is it that none will venture along the path?
I love you blog, for the fact that no one reads you.
I am starting to truely believe deep in my soul that there is no one out there like me, and it pains me. Nobody who fits in the cracks of my existence, not one to indulage my most extravagant fantasies as viable truths, there is no one who can really see me past the mess, feild mines, and the many barbed wired fences. or is it that none will venture along the path?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
is it unusual not to have dreams anymore?
I mean, should i be worried that i no longer have a passion or even a medicore talent to get me by?
I have made a decision to major in english becuase i could picture nothing else, but that picture comes in a little hazzy too. I label my future carrer JOURNALIST but am i cut out for such a living?
Its not that i am afraid to dream high because i fear missing the target, not at all, i wish i could hold a deep rooted dream so i could fly with it and watch i soar. but as it stands now im all fizzled out. what is it im meant to do, i' ve just been guessing up til now...
I just feel like i need to live a whole lot more....
try everything that intrests me, meet people, travel places these eyes have never seen.
this is not about not being content..because i am, where i am i have nothing to complain about, but thats the problem, there is no ADVENTURE, no CHASE, no GROWING.
and im soooo ready for Adventure!!!!!!
I mean, should i be worried that i no longer have a passion or even a medicore talent to get me by?
I have made a decision to major in english becuase i could picture nothing else, but that picture comes in a little hazzy too. I label my future carrer JOURNALIST but am i cut out for such a living?
Its not that i am afraid to dream high because i fear missing the target, not at all, i wish i could hold a deep rooted dream so i could fly with it and watch i soar. but as it stands now im all fizzled out. what is it im meant to do, i' ve just been guessing up til now...
I just feel like i need to live a whole lot more....
try everything that intrests me, meet people, travel places these eyes have never seen.
this is not about not being content..because i am, where i am i have nothing to complain about, but thats the problem, there is no ADVENTURE, no CHASE, no GROWING.
and im soooo ready for Adventure!!!!!!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
why'd i go and read poe?
last night laying in bed with nothing to do i refused to let my mind fade into the blue,
so what did i do? i reached for a book i well knew....
opening the text more than three quater ways through
i lifted the pale thin marker
to read how by death a man's world is made darker
for his sonnets always begin in a place and time of bliss
but through each line and each alternating rhyme
the writer is drained of all his love and sumcombed to bitter emptiness
the beautiful isle, Zante, where memories were made
for he, was a treasued place
but through the anguished filled nights he prayed
those shores he wished from his mind he could earse,
for what he lost, there is no remedy, no aide
his heart died with the maiden and her grace
so why did i go and read the grief riden tales of Egar Allen Poe,
its a mystery i'll never know....
so what did i do? i reached for a book i well knew....
opening the text more than three quater ways through
i lifted the pale thin marker
to read how by death a man's world is made darker
for his sonnets always begin in a place and time of bliss
but through each line and each alternating rhyme
the writer is drained of all his love and sumcombed to bitter emptiness
the beautiful isle, Zante, where memories were made
for he, was a treasued place
but through the anguished filled nights he prayed
those shores he wished from his mind he could earse,
for what he lost, there is no remedy, no aide
his heart died with the maiden and her grace
so why did i go and read the grief riden tales of Egar Allen Poe,
its a mystery i'll never know....
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Feburary 24th 2010
I deserve good, do I not?
In search of a righteous man, none can be found!
I am such an odd little thing; friends muse at my inexpeirence,
marvel at the extent of my misfortune.
For I, a reasonable catch in their eye, has never even known the intimacy of holding another's hand.
Poor fool I must be, for they pitty me.
My heart is clinched so tight as I sit here and write, I hold out for the best even when rarely offered mediocore.
Will I find a man of greatness? none are offered to me... I would sooner tear my heart out, what use is it to me when I know not the last time I felt it beat.
I know not of love, but the lack of it.
And the worse part is I feel gulity for desiring such affection......just to know how it feels.
I put hope in that one day I will no longer be a half but a whole, and pray for patience as God takes his time. but the truth is the wait is torture, a holy burden....thats reward, though more than worth it, does not make it any easier to carry.
I know nothing of love, other than what it ought to be.
pacient
kind
self sacrificing
not proud or boastful
"for love is as strong as death its jealousy unyeilding as the grave. it burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." song of solomon 8:6
How long must it be...I reach out for anything that brings warmth, but I am cold and close to death, nothing but the fire will satisfy.
Where are you oh righteous man?
....not here.....not with me.
Man of God I am waiting....waiting in such solitude.
If it were just the task of riding my thoughts of ideas of courtship, If it were just an easy decision to not feel this way, It would be done by now, for i despise being weak.
I am bulit to desire a companion, but yet I am ever alone, not even friendships fill my days, alone in everyway...apart from one.
Knowing this there is nothing to be done, but WAIT.
In search of a righteous man, none can be found!
I am such an odd little thing; friends muse at my inexpeirence,
marvel at the extent of my misfortune.
For I, a reasonable catch in their eye, has never even known the intimacy of holding another's hand.
Poor fool I must be, for they pitty me.
My heart is clinched so tight as I sit here and write, I hold out for the best even when rarely offered mediocore.
Will I find a man of greatness? none are offered to me... I would sooner tear my heart out, what use is it to me when I know not the last time I felt it beat.
I know not of love, but the lack of it.
And the worse part is I feel gulity for desiring such affection......just to know how it feels.
I put hope in that one day I will no longer be a half but a whole, and pray for patience as God takes his time. but the truth is the wait is torture, a holy burden....thats reward, though more than worth it, does not make it any easier to carry.
I know nothing of love, other than what it ought to be.
pacient
kind
self sacrificing
not proud or boastful
"for love is as strong as death its jealousy unyeilding as the grave. it burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." song of solomon 8:6
How long must it be...I reach out for anything that brings warmth, but I am cold and close to death, nothing but the fire will satisfy.
Where are you oh righteous man?
....not here.....not with me.
Man of God I am waiting....waiting in such solitude.
If it were just the task of riding my thoughts of ideas of courtship, If it were just an easy decision to not feel this way, It would be done by now, for i despise being weak.
I am bulit to desire a companion, but yet I am ever alone, not even friendships fill my days, alone in everyway...apart from one.
Knowing this there is nothing to be done, but WAIT.
Monday, February 22, 2010
why do i talk to you? it cant be healthy.....
our convorsation never gets deeper than casual flirtly jesting, and yet you say you love me.
i've tried to invest interest in you as a person but you always seem elusive in answering my inquiries. what is it that you want from me?
i am emoutionally attached to you, a foul up on my part, i really rather not be. we share no interests, or at least to my understanding because you never share those things with me, even with all this you are the one who reaches out to me, lights my phone up, expresses desire to see me, why? i feel you dont even know me...do you even know my dreams, do you know my values, do you even care?
you just began IMing right now, and because i dont know, i guess im weak, i fall back into the routine. whats wrong with me?
for awhile i did real good, you didnt exist and i was fine.
how do i rid myself of you?
you do more damage than you do good....
you know im so freaking dumb, i know dont love me, why am i wasting my time...lol
i hate being a girl sometimes, it sometimes forces me to betray my good sense for emoutional validation uggh.
im the lucky one to recognize my foolishness, that way i can regulate it.
solution: just stop......
stop giving you what you need to play me
stop entertaing your " i love you"s
stop being ruled by the effect of my solitary state
and if you do still require my attention you must work harder dear or give up...
i gotta stop sitting there while run circles around me
instead im gonna run! you gotta chase me, chase me or disapear into the fading distance...
haha you were never really good at catching me, so good luck!
our convorsation never gets deeper than casual flirtly jesting, and yet you say you love me.
i've tried to invest interest in you as a person but you always seem elusive in answering my inquiries. what is it that you want from me?
i am emoutionally attached to you, a foul up on my part, i really rather not be. we share no interests, or at least to my understanding because you never share those things with me, even with all this you are the one who reaches out to me, lights my phone up, expresses desire to see me, why? i feel you dont even know me...do you even know my dreams, do you know my values, do you even care?
you just began IMing right now, and because i dont know, i guess im weak, i fall back into the routine. whats wrong with me?
for awhile i did real good, you didnt exist and i was fine.
how do i rid myself of you?
you do more damage than you do good....
you know im so freaking dumb, i know dont love me, why am i wasting my time...lol
i hate being a girl sometimes, it sometimes forces me to betray my good sense for emoutional validation uggh.
im the lucky one to recognize my foolishness, that way i can regulate it.
solution: just stop......
stop giving you what you need to play me
stop entertaing your " i love you"s
stop being ruled by the effect of my solitary state
and if you do still require my attention you must work harder dear or give up...
i gotta stop sitting there while run circles around me
instead im gonna run! you gotta chase me, chase me or disapear into the fading distance...
haha you were never really good at catching me, so good luck!
The view from my CHAIR.
A door that never stays shut..
In and out people come and go, Always with ease and with a smile.
A room full of vessels, full of swelling hearts. Everyone has something to bring
we're here to meet the king.
Here there is no shame to cry; tear streaked faces are priceless jewels upon his crown
no rules
no certain way to proceed, only a clear destination...
The foot of Jesus
The rest is for him.
the rest is for us.
The rest can't be planned
...that if it were planned it would not be by his hand, it would not bare his finger print.
If you can find a way to fall, ..let go, you will be in his embrace soon.
And if you can not fall, do not be afraid to wait,
remember its for God that we wait, and he may take as long as he likes.
don't lose hope
don't abandon faith.
its not a ridgid space this time with the Lord..
no schedule to be kept, no manuscript to recite
these fuzzy feelings may or may not come, but its not about that.
Life is being liveed here, life void of sensationalism.
ITAMACY FATHER.
How else can i talk to you..
when i don't even think you hear me.
sometimes the "numb" is too much, i have got to feel the wound, the hurt, to repair it.
There is something in the way but it won't show it self. If you must let it hutt a little, allow it so i know that i can feel.
All this breeds is anger, fustration, and apathy. Dreadful Apathy.
Speak to me, SPEAK TO ME
have you nothing to say?
Do you not have a planned future for me, i think you do...
i can't be with you right now can I?
i want to be broken
BREAK THROUGH NOW!
i can no longer sit, life is not tollerable in the view from my chair, because its just that a view. i can look but not touch, so i run!
In and out people come and go, Always with ease and with a smile.
A room full of vessels, full of swelling hearts. Everyone has something to bring
we're here to meet the king.
Here there is no shame to cry; tear streaked faces are priceless jewels upon his crown
no rules
no certain way to proceed, only a clear destination...
The foot of Jesus
The rest is for him.
the rest is for us.
The rest can't be planned
...that if it were planned it would not be by his hand, it would not bare his finger print.
If you can find a way to fall, ..let go, you will be in his embrace soon.
And if you can not fall, do not be afraid to wait,
remember its for God that we wait, and he may take as long as he likes.
don't lose hope
don't abandon faith.
its not a ridgid space this time with the Lord..
no schedule to be kept, no manuscript to recite
these fuzzy feelings may or may not come, but its not about that.
Life is being liveed here, life void of sensationalism.
ITAMACY FATHER.
How else can i talk to you..
when i don't even think you hear me.
sometimes the "numb" is too much, i have got to feel the wound, the hurt, to repair it.
There is something in the way but it won't show it self. If you must let it hutt a little, allow it so i know that i can feel.
All this breeds is anger, fustration, and apathy. Dreadful Apathy.
Speak to me, SPEAK TO ME
have you nothing to say?
Do you not have a planned future for me, i think you do...
i can't be with you right now can I?
i want to be broken
BREAK THROUGH NOW!
i can no longer sit, life is not tollerable in the view from my chair, because its just that a view. i can look but not touch, so i run!
Notes from Nights in North Carolina
The Brocks home
January 29, 2010
Give me something to offer.
Let it be real
Let praise be all i ever have to say
make your love secure in me..
nothing is impossible.
may finances Never hold me back
No more wandering in circles.
i have a VOICE and i have something to say.
i offer LOVE
January 29, 2010
Give me something to offer.
Let it be real
Let praise be all i ever have to say
make your love secure in me..
i WANT whats REAL
.............i want extraordinary
may finances Never hold me back
No more wandering in circles.
i have a VOICE and i have something to say.
i offer LOVE
I HAVE PLENTY TO GIVE
AMEN
just let it be
just wait, wait in the garden but be awake, be in clear and sound mind and WAIT.
i want this more than anything....
How Hungary Are You?
MEET ME
if it means anything, and if it doesn't i will still stay.
-matt 11:19
"but wisedom is proved right by her actions."
"I desire mercy not sacrifice"
Be a friend to the FRIENDLESS.
Be an Ancor
Stupid Elizabeth Bennet!
That's what happens when you play the role of Elizabeth Bennett....
The story doesn't always end with you in the arms of the darling Mr. Darcy; sometimes if you take the pride too far and the prejudice to heart you're left amoung the faces of the ballroom while Miss Bingly wins his noble heart. wrong him too much, wound his pride, deface his character, let the dispise run deeper than it should and you will push him into her ready arms.
For someone like you who knows not how to offer proper encouragement, one whose heart is a fortress...you'de be able to drive away even Mr.Collins' aggressive affections.
oh Lizzie, don't be so tough and strong headed all the time.
You should have showed him tenderness,
if you had you might have heard the sweetest of words ..."My Mrs. Darcy."
Reflection
life is meant to be hard.
just because your life is going the easy route doesn't make it better.
a life at ease is one void of conflict, and without conflict you have no STORY.
...now then and there, tell me what meaning your life holds.
without the process of defeat and victory life is empty...
"count it all joy," that pesky conflict consder it a privllage.
for without it victory can not be obtained.
"There is no conflictman can endure that will not produce a blessing" - Donald Miller
just because your life is going the easy route doesn't make it better.
a life at ease is one void of conflict, and without conflict you have no STORY.
...now then and there, tell me what meaning your life holds.
without the process of defeat and victory life is empty...
"count it all joy," that pesky conflict consder it a privllage.
for without it victory can not be obtained.
"There is no conflictman can endure that will not produce a blessing" - Donald Miller
Saturday, February 20, 2010
"wow, im so blessed" is all i can say at this piont.
doing something i knew i should do and actually really wanted to do has lead to an unexpected reward. its astonishing what showing a little bit of kindness and love in this life will bring you. living life not according to what others would suggest but living it how they would not have ever guessed; living virtuosly with out expectation of reward has a way of granting one anyway.
doing something i knew i should do and actually really wanted to do has lead to an unexpected reward. its astonishing what showing a little bit of kindness and love in this life will bring you. living life not according to what others would suggest but living it how they would not have ever guessed; living virtuosly with out expectation of reward has a way of granting one anyway.
Monday, January 4, 2010
a room
my room
a computer
not my computer
lives being lived
not my life being lived
a heart beating in a chest
my heart captive in this chest
a mind
my mind
a mind full of questions
a desire
my desire to create
a desire to write and explore the world with my words
a doubt
my doubt
faith
my faith
thruth
not my truth
not your truth
THE TRUTH
my room
a computer
not my computer
lives being lived
not my life being lived
a heart beating in a chest
my heart captive in this chest
a mind
my mind
a mind full of questions
a desire
my desire to create
a desire to write and explore the world with my words
a doubt
my doubt
faith
my faith
thruth
not my truth
not your truth
THE TRUTH
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