I have got so much on my shoulders these preceeding days and the next couple weeks, tomorrow i go to the homelss coallition and sacrafice my percious time that i give with joy but its just another source of stress right now. i have to meet my advisor and get my shecdule aproved so i can pre-registar...but one problem...i have not a clue who it is and time is running swiftly away. soon it will be gone, too far gone. i hae been putting off an essay that must work on, i feel so incapable to do, due monday. and a monster of a film project that my stupid creative ideas got me into. we havent even finished the script and we need to shoot ASAP!
all of this and i have been desperatly searching for someone to go with me to the Zac Brown Band wich is on my dream list of must do's...but no one!
and when i went to buy tickets i could not find any available.....
i just pray God that you help me pull it all together, i know you can...so i ask you to, and believe you will at my request. as long as i dedicate my self to the tasks at hand.
be with me, make it work, may not eat the bread of idleness!

may i be the superwoman of pslams 31

ok so im starting to really HATE having roommates! i want quiet time, i wanna be able to do what i want when i want, to have a place to completely relax and be my self.

a space to breathe!

i feel like punching in the face every time they randomly say FUCK! like its nothing
or
talk on the phone about obscenities
or
come in when i am playing music already and switch on the tv with sound up, when they arent even paying attention to it.

i cant even think properly to get this all out because i am soo disshuveled by ther presence.

help me help me help me

three in the morning

i want my facebook status right now to say MICHELLE CLARK: hates you! but we both know it cant say that. soooo it has happened again.
i allowed myself to begin to like a guy and even was steping out in the right direction, but again friend has found interest in him as well and i go into that stupid auto piolet where i politely get overlooked. its depressing. i question what im doing wrong? am i not forward or aggressive enough, what amiable qualities am i lacking? there has to be something....im just so blind to see it. its not that this one was so abnormally specail, not at all, it just hurts and deeper than it should. deeper than i will allow it to, i deserve greatness this i do know. but i can never get close. i must be too complex, some dont have the attention span for mystery of getting to know my multifacteded personality.
what i ever it is i wish i knew what it was, this thing that has my up writting my thoughts at 3:06 in the morning.
i just feel like crap, like sencond rate, but i know there is no way i could be those thimgs tis why i am so perplexed.
let me know so i can deciede to either dealwith it or change it.

soo yeah....

helps me

reading these blurbs maintains me, sustains me. it reminds me who i am when i get so terribly confused. it secures my idenity, it reminds me there is something beuatiful living inside of me...i hope he is still there, i need that solace i seem to lack. i need him in my heart and my mind. i have bcome less aware, i need to be more concious to it.
he and thses writings he allows to flow through me, saves me!

wow its been a long behind time!
im in college, got some friends, got lots of essays....life is not what it used to be.
i still want nothing more than to be with my heavenly father, but i've been somewhat detached!
have guy things here and there, but nothing of the heart soaring or wrenching kind.
still holding out for the GOODS!!!

not drinking or rock n the night away, staying firm! but still having fun 8)..hmmm imagine that...lol

i hVE MISSED YOU BLOG! SORRY I HAD TO LEAVE YOU!
just had to let you sit and rest forawhile after the muse becoming the observer incident happened...and yes im sorry i did see other mediums while we were apart. his name is mr. suade string bound note book and quail pen. he has been good to me and for me. and he is always there when i need him, in times where you cant be.
but listen...i still care for you! there is still aplace for you in my life...i wont let you go unattended to for too long.
smooches,
your author <3

you know how guys complain about getting stuck in the friend zone, get over it! im always there, even bought a summer home.maybe u can come over for cocktails!!!

why do i feel like shit?!
empty,
why am i always "plan B" girl?
they woo me, they even tell me they love me...but what do they do.
find someone else who ..they love too? no they never loved me at all, any of them.

i cant deal with life right now as it stands, so i sit. but sitting, i am wasting away.
loosing faith, not finding God when i really want to. i really want him .i want him to be real and here,with me, with in me. how did he all the sudden up and disappear?
how can i believe and still be confronted by such doubt?

its like a gaping hole, the keeps broadening and widening.....when i thought i was doing okay, i was in his will.
so how do i find him when i hadn't left where he last left me.
i guess its something i gotta figure out for myself,..bur right now i feel so fake. so lonely, so lost, so not me at all.
i keep thinking its just this period in my life, i gotta go through but i'll make it to the other side and be a okay. i pray its so!




i wont fall for just any guy, he has to be perfect! too much pressure?...well i deserve to put out those percuations because what i've seen and been through. if im waiting this long might as well be thorough, weed through the the heartbreaks and heartaches to exactly the one made to fit me.

whats new?

whats going on with me, what has been happening in my world?
well bout a week and a half ago i lost my car but kept my life.
my 1991 Oldsmobile kutless supreme convertible met its end when it plowed into a tree on highway 60.
im leaving for Flagler in just a few short weeks, with no car but i know it will be okay.
my life will be changing so drastically, im just worried that i remain who i am. not too worried but its still there.

i am eager to start school, not because im so eager to leave every thing behind but want so bad to make a new start, HAVE AN ADVENTURE!

i dont want to loose myself and devoid my morals but i want to have a bit of fun. meet new people, take steps leaps and bonds towards my future. a life that is my own, but my life is still God's and i pray he gives me direction to do his will.

and im having a little hope that i might find a honey bear....
a good guy, sweethearted and attentive but still the picture of masculinity.
im at that point i need the attention and deserve it i believe....i've gone so long with out it. and when i get a taste its snatch away leaving me quiet hungery. but i just starve instead of hunting. it will come to be sooner or later right? i wont a straving child for much longer, ...not for forever.

maybe he'll be ..
someone who would'nt get annoyed at me watching silent films and the travel channel all day long.
someone who doesn't mind random sniffs of his shirt and my abundance of affection.
soeone who would take a stereo and a few great vinyl records over an ipod any day!

oh one can only hope 8D

only a boy

you are just a boy.....
how could i expect you to live up to a real man's role?
i was just dreaming i guess.
a life alone I'm entitled to dream every now and again.
forgive me for having hope in something that can not deliver, I was being foolish and naive.
being childlike is not to be looked at with shame, but knowing what, where, and when to take things at face value, to deal with things responsibly is vital to a healthy existence.

so again im sorry i let my hope blind my reason..

its not your fualt you let me down, you are just a boy, and boys should never grow up if it can be helped.
sorry for trying to cast you as the role of prince charming when you were ment to play peter pan.

and im not wendy....

what to do today...lets write.

write often, write everyday! how else are you to become better, you don't just wake up one day and "DANG!!!!" you're good! its like a relationship, you and your writting have to spend time together building up each other...soon enough you'll be finishing each othere sentences lol
get to know your writting's personality-(serious, witty, homerous, saterical) what they do best, what it distastes, what it's weaknesses are.

Certain authors, songs, places, people specifically nerture your writting's personality growth. find them and feast on their sustenance, suck every bit of life out of it as you can.
it would be wise to feed off of many different outlets, that way your style is not confined to one particular area. broader vision equals wider herizons.

me in your head or your heart?...

what do you think of when you think of me???

what other thoughts run through your head?
what pictures do you see?
what songs play in your mind?
what memories do you remissness?
what hopes do you hold so close to your heart?

are they true to my nature or are they fabricated my your idealizing mind?
does your heart have anything to do with your head?
have you dreamed of me? what was it like? did you wake with a smile?
have you ever longed to hold me, or gently touch my cheek?
have you desired my skin meet the warmth of ours?
ever pictured me in a gown and a Vail? white fabric hung flowing upon my frame?

even for a second, have you thought of me and it brought a smile to your face?
how do you think of me?...with humor...or passion?
when you hear my name or picture my face, does the heart take over?

just call

call me please i need to hear you say those words...words i would be lying if toy told them back to you, words i have said back to you. need that attention, while i a wait price charming I've become attached to Mr. emotional wreck.

i could hurt you but i wont, or at least I'll try not to.
i need you to call, let that phone light up like the the sun shinning through the crack in the window, waking me, letting me live.
please call right now, please call.

say you love me like you always do, but i know there is no way you could possibly and sincerely mean it...i need to hear it anyway.

is that why you say it? because you know i desperately need to hear it?
or is really because you so desperately need to say it???
maybe both.

i never needed or wanted it before, i scoffed at the words! i rejected them, it aggitated me so that you uttered them.
but now,..look at me...

come on call, i'll give you what you want to hear.
...but just for tonight, while im weak, while im alone.

M@

its hard to think i could make anyone nervous, but i guess its possible. maybe thats why my whole life guys have shyed away but later admitted to liking me, just not knowing what to do or say.

you are young but seem to have a Godly wisdom, i would not over look you, in fact if you would show me who you are im certain i would love you. as it stands i dont know much.

im leaving soon, starting "a new chapter of life" as they say. college is a pivotal point in life, it has the ability to brake you if you are not personally and morally strong or even make you if you are weak minded. so starting something with someone i have to leave behind is a very difficult thing especially when you are meeting so many new prospects. but dont let this hinder your decision of going after what you want, if what that is is me. becuase if what i see in you is great no others could compare, if you were truly meant for me for any amount of time. it would be worth it.

i dont know if any of what im saying makes any sense but so far in my life you are the first guy that has admitted their interest in me, that seems to really be in right standing with God. and because of that one thing you are put above all others. so honestly if you ask me out there is no other way i could respond than "YES".

but its up to you to make the move and ask, otherwords i will go on knowing God will send the right one in time.

boys boys boys

oh gosh boys you are just coming, no a better word is swarming up right out of the woodworks. young boys falling in love with my charm? i don't know. professing their admiration and hope to be something to me.

what am i too do? i am at a crossroads in my own life, college fast approaching, a grand adventure!
and i need nothing to weigh me down. i like the attention but i will not lead them on. relationships are not to be taken lightly....but can they understand my views. are they even able to live, think, and operate on my level. i severely doubt it.....

my dearest friend,

he is laughable, lovable, and talented. but his mind is as narrow as the holes in the membrane of a cell wall. tiny, no microscopic, and only certain ideas are chosen to pass through. beyond that it is almost impervious. his mind once set can not be reasoned with or taught.

no my friend i can not tolerate your ignorance, but unlike you i understand why you are the way you act. bitterness, and for that i have compassion. its not that you can't understand people and the actions they take, it's that you wont open up your mind to realizing the truth. and the truth is that are just what confuses you. what frustrates you is human behavior that you your self display when you talk of "broads".

you will never understand us "broads" becuase you cant understand yourself. you're blind, you don't have the sight of the creator, the painter who knows each brush stroke it takes to bring the masterpiece to the desired beauty.

and we are not "broads" "toots" or a "doll" or "DAME", and if anything we are baronesses , countesses, and duchesses.

call me MADAME and not "Dame"!

guys boys men.......

guys boys men.......

they trouble me, fascinate me, annoy me, disgust me, enthrall me, exhaust me, and can completely take me by surprise!

and then when your feet are lift right off the ground they drop you like a hot potato ....

the blue eyed boy ;D

his blue eyes and shinning blond hair would have never cought my eye. but his charm, intoxicating. God gave me a precautionary attribute that held him at a distance from me....because the truth, he was no good for me. his intelligence admirable, his inner personality appealing, but the life style he chose to lead, the persona he decided to portray turned my interest to disdain.
oh but i still wish for him to be better, to be what i know he can be. i only have had a glimpse of him but what i saw behind the mirage was worth redemption.
one day he may see the light, as it were, and will not be there. who ever is the fortunate gal by his side better be virtuous, upright, and noble in character.
don't take too long blue eyed boy. finding your way and getting those fleeting and soon vapid "kicks". the good in life might pass you by while your chasing the temporary!
best of luck...if you ever saw that light in me you could have reached out and grabed it. im willing to give it. but honeasty as it stands i deserve better.

where i am at...

what do you do when all you ever believed, what you've always known starts to be questioned and for some reason you allowed it.......dramatic? it might sound so, but im convinced we all have to go through it at some point. you just hope its a part of growing up, and it will get better sooner or later. God please make it sooner! lol it might make you stronger, isn't that what we all hope?