three in the morning

i want my facebook status right now to say MICHELLE CLARK: hates you! but we both know it cant say that. soooo it has happened again.
i allowed myself to begin to like a guy and even was steping out in the right direction, but again friend has found interest in him as well and i go into that stupid auto piolet where i politely get overlooked. its depressing. i question what im doing wrong? am i not forward or aggressive enough, what amiable qualities am i lacking? there has to be something....im just so blind to see it. its not that this one was so abnormally specail, not at all, it just hurts and deeper than it should. deeper than i will allow it to, i deserve greatness this i do know. but i can never get close. i must be too complex, some dont have the attention span for mystery of getting to know my multifacteded personality.
what i ever it is i wish i knew what it was, this thing that has my up writting my thoughts at 3:06 in the morning.
i just feel like crap, like sencond rate, but i know there is no way i could be those thimgs tis why i am so perplexed.
let me know so i can deciede to either dealwith it or change it.

soo yeah....

helps me

reading these blurbs maintains me, sustains me. it reminds me who i am when i get so terribly confused. it secures my idenity, it reminds me there is something beuatiful living inside of me...i hope he is still there, i need that solace i seem to lack. i need him in my heart and my mind. i have bcome less aware, i need to be more concious to it.
he and thses writings he allows to flow through me, saves me!

wow its been a long behind time!
im in college, got some friends, got lots of essays....life is not what it used to be.
i still want nothing more than to be with my heavenly father, but i've been somewhat detached!
have guy things here and there, but nothing of the heart soaring or wrenching kind.
still holding out for the GOODS!!!

not drinking or rock n the night away, staying firm! but still having fun 8)..hmmm imagine that...lol

i hVE MISSED YOU BLOG! SORRY I HAD TO LEAVE YOU!
just had to let you sit and rest forawhile after the muse becoming the observer incident happened...and yes im sorry i did see other mediums while we were apart. his name is mr. suade string bound note book and quail pen. he has been good to me and for me. and he is always there when i need him, in times where you cant be.
but listen...i still care for you! there is still aplace for you in my life...i wont let you go unattended to for too long.
smooches,
your author <3

you know how guys complain about getting stuck in the friend zone, get over it! im always there, even bought a summer home.maybe u can come over for cocktails!!!

why do i feel like shit?!
empty,
why am i always "plan B" girl?
they woo me, they even tell me they love me...but what do they do.
find someone else who ..they love too? no they never loved me at all, any of them.

i cant deal with life right now as it stands, so i sit. but sitting, i am wasting away.
loosing faith, not finding God when i really want to. i really want him .i want him to be real and here,with me, with in me. how did he all the sudden up and disappear?
how can i believe and still be confronted by such doubt?

its like a gaping hole, the keeps broadening and widening.....when i thought i was doing okay, i was in his will.
so how do i find him when i hadn't left where he last left me.
i guess its something i gotta figure out for myself,..bur right now i feel so fake. so lonely, so lost, so not me at all.
i keep thinking its just this period in my life, i gotta go through but i'll make it to the other side and be a okay. i pray its so!




i wont fall for just any guy, he has to be perfect! too much pressure?...well i deserve to put out those percuations because what i've seen and been through. if im waiting this long might as well be thorough, weed through the the heartbreaks and heartaches to exactly the one made to fit me.

whats new?

whats going on with me, what has been happening in my world?
well bout a week and a half ago i lost my car but kept my life.
my 1991 Oldsmobile kutless supreme convertible met its end when it plowed into a tree on highway 60.
im leaving for Flagler in just a few short weeks, with no car but i know it will be okay.
my life will be changing so drastically, im just worried that i remain who i am. not too worried but its still there.

i am eager to start school, not because im so eager to leave every thing behind but want so bad to make a new start, HAVE AN ADVENTURE!

i dont want to loose myself and devoid my morals but i want to have a bit of fun. meet new people, take steps leaps and bonds towards my future. a life that is my own, but my life is still God's and i pray he gives me direction to do his will.

and im having a little hope that i might find a honey bear....
a good guy, sweethearted and attentive but still the picture of masculinity.
im at that point i need the attention and deserve it i believe....i've gone so long with out it. and when i get a taste its snatch away leaving me quiet hungery. but i just starve instead of hunting. it will come to be sooner or later right? i wont a straving child for much longer, ...not for forever.

maybe he'll be ..
someone who would'nt get annoyed at me watching silent films and the travel channel all day long.
someone who doesn't mind random sniffs of his shirt and my abundance of affection.
soeone who would take a stereo and a few great vinyl records over an ipod any day!

oh one can only hope 8D

only a boy

you are just a boy.....
how could i expect you to live up to a real man's role?
i was just dreaming i guess.
a life alone I'm entitled to dream every now and again.
forgive me for having hope in something that can not deliver, I was being foolish and naive.
being childlike is not to be looked at with shame, but knowing what, where, and when to take things at face value, to deal with things responsibly is vital to a healthy existence.

so again im sorry i let my hope blind my reason..

its not your fualt you let me down, you are just a boy, and boys should never grow up if it can be helped.
sorry for trying to cast you as the role of prince charming when you were ment to play peter pan.

and im not wendy....

what to do today...lets write.

write often, write everyday! how else are you to become better, you don't just wake up one day and "DANG!!!!" you're good! its like a relationship, you and your writting have to spend time together building up each other...soon enough you'll be finishing each othere sentences lol
get to know your writting's personality-(serious, witty, homerous, saterical) what they do best, what it distastes, what it's weaknesses are.

Certain authors, songs, places, people specifically nerture your writting's personality growth. find them and feast on their sustenance, suck every bit of life out of it as you can.
it would be wise to feed off of many different outlets, that way your style is not confined to one particular area. broader vision equals wider herizons.