Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Feburary 24th 2010
I deserve good, do I not?
In search of a righteous man, none can be found!
I am such an odd little thing; friends muse at my inexpeirence,
marvel at the extent of my misfortune.
For I, a reasonable catch in their eye, has never even known the intimacy of holding another's hand.
Poor fool I must be, for they pitty me.
My heart is clinched so tight as I sit here and write, I hold out for the best even when rarely offered mediocore.
Will I find a man of greatness? none are offered to me... I would sooner tear my heart out, what use is it to me when I know not the last time I felt it beat.
I know not of love, but the lack of it.
And the worse part is I feel gulity for desiring such affection......just to know how it feels.
I put hope in that one day I will no longer be a half but a whole, and pray for patience as God takes his time. but the truth is the wait is torture, a holy burden....thats reward, though more than worth it, does not make it any easier to carry.
I know nothing of love, other than what it ought to be.
pacient
kind
self sacrificing
not proud or boastful
"for love is as strong as death its jealousy unyeilding as the grave. it burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." song of solomon 8:6
How long must it be...I reach out for anything that brings warmth, but I am cold and close to death, nothing but the fire will satisfy.
Where are you oh righteous man?
....not here.....not with me.
Man of God I am waiting....waiting in such solitude.
If it were just the task of riding my thoughts of ideas of courtship, If it were just an easy decision to not feel this way, It would be done by now, for i despise being weak.
I am bulit to desire a companion, but yet I am ever alone, not even friendships fill my days, alone in everyway...apart from one.
Knowing this there is nothing to be done, but WAIT.
In search of a righteous man, none can be found!
I am such an odd little thing; friends muse at my inexpeirence,
marvel at the extent of my misfortune.
For I, a reasonable catch in their eye, has never even known the intimacy of holding another's hand.
Poor fool I must be, for they pitty me.
My heart is clinched so tight as I sit here and write, I hold out for the best even when rarely offered mediocore.
Will I find a man of greatness? none are offered to me... I would sooner tear my heart out, what use is it to me when I know not the last time I felt it beat.
I know not of love, but the lack of it.
And the worse part is I feel gulity for desiring such affection......just to know how it feels.
I put hope in that one day I will no longer be a half but a whole, and pray for patience as God takes his time. but the truth is the wait is torture, a holy burden....thats reward, though more than worth it, does not make it any easier to carry.
I know nothing of love, other than what it ought to be.
pacient
kind
self sacrificing
not proud or boastful
"for love is as strong as death its jealousy unyeilding as the grave. it burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." song of solomon 8:6
How long must it be...I reach out for anything that brings warmth, but I am cold and close to death, nothing but the fire will satisfy.
Where are you oh righteous man?
....not here.....not with me.
Man of God I am waiting....waiting in such solitude.
If it were just the task of riding my thoughts of ideas of courtship, If it were just an easy decision to not feel this way, It would be done by now, for i despise being weak.
I am bulit to desire a companion, but yet I am ever alone, not even friendships fill my days, alone in everyway...apart from one.
Knowing this there is nothing to be done, but WAIT.
Monday, February 22, 2010
why do i talk to you? it cant be healthy.....
our convorsation never gets deeper than casual flirtly jesting, and yet you say you love me.
i've tried to invest interest in you as a person but you always seem elusive in answering my inquiries. what is it that you want from me?
i am emoutionally attached to you, a foul up on my part, i really rather not be. we share no interests, or at least to my understanding because you never share those things with me, even with all this you are the one who reaches out to me, lights my phone up, expresses desire to see me, why? i feel you dont even know me...do you even know my dreams, do you know my values, do you even care?
you just began IMing right now, and because i dont know, i guess im weak, i fall back into the routine. whats wrong with me?
for awhile i did real good, you didnt exist and i was fine.
how do i rid myself of you?
you do more damage than you do good....
you know im so freaking dumb, i know dont love me, why am i wasting my time...lol
i hate being a girl sometimes, it sometimes forces me to betray my good sense for emoutional validation uggh.
im the lucky one to recognize my foolishness, that way i can regulate it.
solution: just stop......
stop giving you what you need to play me
stop entertaing your " i love you"s
stop being ruled by the effect of my solitary state
and if you do still require my attention you must work harder dear or give up...
i gotta stop sitting there while run circles around me
instead im gonna run! you gotta chase me, chase me or disapear into the fading distance...
haha you were never really good at catching me, so good luck!
our convorsation never gets deeper than casual flirtly jesting, and yet you say you love me.
i've tried to invest interest in you as a person but you always seem elusive in answering my inquiries. what is it that you want from me?
i am emoutionally attached to you, a foul up on my part, i really rather not be. we share no interests, or at least to my understanding because you never share those things with me, even with all this you are the one who reaches out to me, lights my phone up, expresses desire to see me, why? i feel you dont even know me...do you even know my dreams, do you know my values, do you even care?
you just began IMing right now, and because i dont know, i guess im weak, i fall back into the routine. whats wrong with me?
for awhile i did real good, you didnt exist and i was fine.
how do i rid myself of you?
you do more damage than you do good....
you know im so freaking dumb, i know dont love me, why am i wasting my time...lol
i hate being a girl sometimes, it sometimes forces me to betray my good sense for emoutional validation uggh.
im the lucky one to recognize my foolishness, that way i can regulate it.
solution: just stop......
stop giving you what you need to play me
stop entertaing your " i love you"s
stop being ruled by the effect of my solitary state
and if you do still require my attention you must work harder dear or give up...
i gotta stop sitting there while run circles around me
instead im gonna run! you gotta chase me, chase me or disapear into the fading distance...
haha you were never really good at catching me, so good luck!
The view from my CHAIR.
A door that never stays shut..
In and out people come and go, Always with ease and with a smile.
A room full of vessels, full of swelling hearts. Everyone has something to bring
we're here to meet the king.
Here there is no shame to cry; tear streaked faces are priceless jewels upon his crown
no rules
no certain way to proceed, only a clear destination...
The foot of Jesus
The rest is for him.
the rest is for us.
The rest can't be planned
...that if it were planned it would not be by his hand, it would not bare his finger print.
If you can find a way to fall, ..let go, you will be in his embrace soon.
And if you can not fall, do not be afraid to wait,
remember its for God that we wait, and he may take as long as he likes.
don't lose hope
don't abandon faith.
its not a ridgid space this time with the Lord..
no schedule to be kept, no manuscript to recite
these fuzzy feelings may or may not come, but its not about that.
Life is being liveed here, life void of sensationalism.
ITAMACY FATHER.
How else can i talk to you..
when i don't even think you hear me.
sometimes the "numb" is too much, i have got to feel the wound, the hurt, to repair it.
There is something in the way but it won't show it self. If you must let it hutt a little, allow it so i know that i can feel.
All this breeds is anger, fustration, and apathy. Dreadful Apathy.
Speak to me, SPEAK TO ME
have you nothing to say?
Do you not have a planned future for me, i think you do...
i can't be with you right now can I?
i want to be broken
BREAK THROUGH NOW!
i can no longer sit, life is not tollerable in the view from my chair, because its just that a view. i can look but not touch, so i run!
In and out people come and go, Always with ease and with a smile.
A room full of vessels, full of swelling hearts. Everyone has something to bring
we're here to meet the king.
Here there is no shame to cry; tear streaked faces are priceless jewels upon his crown
no rules
no certain way to proceed, only a clear destination...
The foot of Jesus
The rest is for him.
the rest is for us.
The rest can't be planned
...that if it were planned it would not be by his hand, it would not bare his finger print.
If you can find a way to fall, ..let go, you will be in his embrace soon.
And if you can not fall, do not be afraid to wait,
remember its for God that we wait, and he may take as long as he likes.
don't lose hope
don't abandon faith.
its not a ridgid space this time with the Lord..
no schedule to be kept, no manuscript to recite
these fuzzy feelings may or may not come, but its not about that.
Life is being liveed here, life void of sensationalism.
ITAMACY FATHER.
How else can i talk to you..
when i don't even think you hear me.
sometimes the "numb" is too much, i have got to feel the wound, the hurt, to repair it.
There is something in the way but it won't show it self. If you must let it hutt a little, allow it so i know that i can feel.
All this breeds is anger, fustration, and apathy. Dreadful Apathy.
Speak to me, SPEAK TO ME
have you nothing to say?
Do you not have a planned future for me, i think you do...
i can't be with you right now can I?
i want to be broken
BREAK THROUGH NOW!
i can no longer sit, life is not tollerable in the view from my chair, because its just that a view. i can look but not touch, so i run!
Notes from Nights in North Carolina
The Brocks home
January 29, 2010
Give me something to offer.
Let it be real
Let praise be all i ever have to say
make your love secure in me..
nothing is impossible.
may finances Never hold me back
No more wandering in circles.
i have a VOICE and i have something to say.
i offer LOVE
January 29, 2010
Give me something to offer.
Let it be real
Let praise be all i ever have to say
make your love secure in me..
i WANT whats REAL
.............i want extraordinary
may finances Never hold me back
No more wandering in circles.
i have a VOICE and i have something to say.
i offer LOVE
I HAVE PLENTY TO GIVE
AMEN
just let it be
just wait, wait in the garden but be awake, be in clear and sound mind and WAIT.
i want this more than anything....
How Hungary Are You?
MEET ME
if it means anything, and if it doesn't i will still stay.
-matt 11:19
"but wisedom is proved right by her actions."
"I desire mercy not sacrifice"
Be a friend to the FRIENDLESS.
Be an Ancor
Stupid Elizabeth Bennet!
That's what happens when you play the role of Elizabeth Bennett....
The story doesn't always end with you in the arms of the darling Mr. Darcy; sometimes if you take the pride too far and the prejudice to heart you're left amoung the faces of the ballroom while Miss Bingly wins his noble heart. wrong him too much, wound his pride, deface his character, let the dispise run deeper than it should and you will push him into her ready arms.
For someone like you who knows not how to offer proper encouragement, one whose heart is a fortress...you'de be able to drive away even Mr.Collins' aggressive affections.
oh Lizzie, don't be so tough and strong headed all the time.
You should have showed him tenderness,
if you had you might have heard the sweetest of words ..."My Mrs. Darcy."
Reflection
life is meant to be hard.
just because your life is going the easy route doesn't make it better.
a life at ease is one void of conflict, and without conflict you have no STORY.
...now then and there, tell me what meaning your life holds.
without the process of defeat and victory life is empty...
"count it all joy," that pesky conflict consder it a privllage.
for without it victory can not be obtained.
"There is no conflictman can endure that will not produce a blessing" - Donald Miller
just because your life is going the easy route doesn't make it better.
a life at ease is one void of conflict, and without conflict you have no STORY.
...now then and there, tell me what meaning your life holds.
without the process of defeat and victory life is empty...
"count it all joy," that pesky conflict consder it a privllage.
for without it victory can not be obtained.
"There is no conflictman can endure that will not produce a blessing" - Donald Miller
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