is it unusual not to have dreams anymore?
I mean, should i be worried that i no longer have a passion or even a medicore talent to get me by?
I have made a decision to major in english becuase i could picture nothing else, but that picture comes in a little hazzy too. I label my future carrer JOURNALIST but am i cut out for such a living?
Its not that i am afraid to dream high because i fear missing the target, not at all, i wish i could hold a deep rooted dream so i could fly with it and watch i soar. but as it stands now im all fizzled out. what is it im meant to do, i' ve just been guessing up til now...
I just feel like i need to live a whole lot more....
try everything that intrests me, meet people, travel places these eyes have never seen.

this is not about not being content..because i am, where i am i have nothing to complain about, but thats the problem, there is no ADVENTURE, no CHASE, no GROWING.

and im soooo ready for Adventure!!!!!!

i should have danced with him.......i should have seized the oppertunity, i should have, i should have, i should have.


but i didn't......oh well...

why'd i go and read poe?

last night laying in bed with nothing to do i refused to let my mind fade into the blue,
so what did i do? i reached for a book i well knew....
opening the text more than three quater ways through
i lifted the pale thin marker
to read how by death a man's world is made darker
for his sonnets always begin in a place and time of bliss
but through each line and each alternating rhyme
the writer is drained of all his love and sumcombed to bitter emptiness
the beautiful isle, Zante, where memories were made
for he, was a treasued place
but through the anguished filled nights he prayed
those shores he wished from his mind he could earse,
for what he lost, there is no remedy, no aide
his heart died with the maiden and her grace
so why did i go and read the grief riden tales of Egar Allen Poe,
its a mystery i'll never know....

Yay now I can blog from my cellular device...I'm officially a geek!

Feburary 24th 2010

I deserve good, do I not?
In search of a righteous man, none can be found!

I am such an odd little thing; friends muse at my inexpeirence,
marvel at the extent of my misfortune.
For I, a reasonable catch in their eye, has never even known the intimacy of holding another's hand.
Poor fool I must be, for they pitty me.
My heart is clinched so tight as I sit here and write, I hold out for the best even when rarely offered mediocore.
Will I find a man of greatness? none are offered to me... I would sooner tear my heart out, what use is it to me when I know not the last time I felt it beat.
I know not of love, but the lack of it.
And the worse part is I feel gulity for desiring such affection......just to know how it feels.
I put hope in that one day I will no longer be a half but a whole, and pray for patience as God takes his time. but the truth is the wait is torture, a holy burden....thats reward, though more than worth it, does not make it any easier to carry.
I know nothing of love, other than what it ought to be.
pacient
kind
self sacrificing
not proud or boastful

"for love is as strong as death its jealousy unyeilding as the grave. it burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." song of solomon 8:6

How long must it be...I reach out for anything that brings warmth, but I am cold and close to death, nothing but the fire will satisfy.
Where are you oh righteous man?
....not here.....not with me.

Man of God I am waiting....waiting in such solitude.

If it were just the task of riding my thoughts of ideas of courtship, If it were just an easy decision to not feel this way, It would be done by now, for i despise being weak.
I am bulit to desire a companion, but yet I am ever alone, not even friendships fill my days, alone in everyway...apart from one.
Knowing this there is nothing to be done, but WAIT.

why do i talk to you? it cant be healthy.....
our convorsation never gets deeper than casual flirtly jesting, and yet you say you love me.
i've tried to invest interest in you as a person but you always seem elusive in answering my inquiries. what is it that you want from me?
i am emoutionally attached to you, a foul up on my part, i really rather not be. we share no interests, or at least to my understanding because you never share those things with me, even with all this you are the one who reaches out to me, lights my phone up, expresses desire to see me, why? i feel you dont even know me...do you even know my dreams, do you know my values, do you even care?
you just began IMing right now, and because i dont know, i guess im weak, i fall back into the routine. whats wrong with me?
for awhile i did real good, you didnt exist and i was fine.
how do i rid myself of you?
you do more damage than you do good....
you know im so freaking dumb, i know dont love me, why am i wasting my time...lol
i hate being a girl sometimes, it sometimes forces me to betray my good sense for emoutional validation uggh.
im the lucky one to recognize my foolishness, that way i can regulate it.

solution: just stop......
stop giving you what you need to play me
stop entertaing your " i love you"s
stop being ruled by the effect of my solitary state

and if you do still require my attention you must work harder dear or give up...
i gotta stop sitting there while run circles around me
instead im gonna run! you gotta chase me, chase me or disapear into the fading distance...

haha you were never really good at catching me, so good luck!

The view from my CHAIR.

A door that never stays shut..
In and out people come and go, Always with ease and with a smile.
A room full of vessels, full of swelling hearts. Everyone has something to bring
we're here to meet the king.
Here there is no shame to cry; tear streaked faces are priceless jewels upon his crown

no rules
no certain way to proceed, only a clear destination...
The foot of Jesus
The rest is for him.
the rest is for us.
The rest can't be planned
...that if it were planned it would not be by his hand, it would not bare his finger print.

If you can find a way to fall, ..let go, you will be in his embrace soon.
And if you can not fall, do not be afraid to wait,
remember its for God that we wait, and he may take as long as he likes.

don't lose hope
don't abandon faith.

its not a ridgid space this time with the Lord..
no schedule to be kept, no manuscript to recite
these fuzzy feelings may or may not come, but its not about that.
Life is being liveed here, life void of sensationalism.





ITAMACY FATHER.
How else can i talk to you..
when i don't even think you hear me.
sometimes the "numb" is too much, i have got to feel the wound, the hurt, to repair it.
There is something in the way but it won't show it self. If you must let it hutt a little, allow it so i know that i can feel.
All this breeds is anger, fustration, and apathy. Dreadful Apathy.
Speak to me, SPEAK TO ME
have you nothing to say?
Do you not have a planned future for me, i think you do...
i can't be with you right now can I?
i want to be broken
BREAK THROUGH NOW!

i can no longer sit, life is not tollerable in the view from my chair, because its just that a view. i can look but not touch, so i run!